How to Get to Know Your Big—and Choose the Right Big Sister for You
Big/Little season can be one of the most exciting parts of becoming a new sorority member. It can also create a surprising amount of pressure.
You may hear other new members talking about who they want, see potential big sisters posting clues, or feel as though everyone else formed an instant connection before you did. You may wonder how you are supposed to know who would be the “perfect” big—or worry that the person you choose may not choose you back.
Take a breath.
Finding a big sister is not a popularity contest, a race, or a search for the person who will create the prettiest reveal. It is an opportunity to build a supportive relationship with someone who can help you feel connected to your chapter and more confident as you begin your membership.
Here is how to get to know potential big sisters, recognize a healthy connection, and approach the matching process with an open heart.
What Is a Sorority Big Sister?
A big sister is usually an initiated member paired with a newer member, known as her little sister. The details vary by sorority and chapter, but a big may help her little learn chapter traditions, meet more members, understand expectations, and feel supported during the new member experience. She can become a mentor, friend, encourager, and connection to a larger sorority “family.” But no two big/little relationships look exactly alike. Some pairs become best friends. Others share a warm mentoring relationship while building their closest friendships elsewhere in the chapter. Both can be meaningful. Your big does not have to fill every role in your life. She simply needs to be someone with whom you can build a genuine, supportive connection.
First, Understand Your Chapter’s Process
Every chapter approaches big/little matching differently. Some organize scheduled “dates” or sisterhood activities. Others encourage informal meals, coffee, study sessions, or group events. Many ask both potential bigs and littles to submit ranked preferences, but the matching process may also consider availability, chapter family structure, and other factors.
Before forming expectations, ask your new member educator:
How does the chapter’s matching process work?
How many women should I get to know?
Are there organized events or individual meetups?
When are preferences submitted?
Are matches based on mutual rankings?
Who should I contact if I feel unsure or disconnected?
Understanding the process will help you focus on connection instead of trying to decode rumors.
Practical Ways to Get to Know Potential Big Sisters
Say yes to invitations
When a member invites you to coffee, lunch, a workout, a study session, or a chapter event, make an effort to go when you can. These low-pressure moments often reveal more than a formal conversation. Respond promptly, arrive on time, and be present. If you cannot attend, thank her and suggest another time instead of leaving the message unanswered.
Initiate a plan yourself
You do not have to wait for an older member to make every move. If you enjoy talking with someone, follow up.
Try:
“I loved getting to talk with you at the new member event. Would you want to grab coffee next week?”
“You mentioned that you study at the library on Tuesdays. Could I join you sometime?”
“I’d love to hear more about your experience in the chapter. Are you free for lunch one day this week?”
A specific invitation is easier to answer than “We should hang out sometime.”
Spend time together in ordinary settings
Big/Little relationships are not built only at elaborate outings. Walk to class, eat in the dining hall, run an errand, study, or attend a campus event together. Ordinary moments help you see whether conversation feels natural, whether effort is mutual, and whether you enjoy being together without the pressure of the matching process.
Meet more than one person
Even if you connect quickly with one potential big, continue meeting other members. Your chapter is full of women who can become friends, mentors, study partners, and supporters—whether or not they become your official big. Staying open also protects you from placing all your hopes on one match before preferences are finalized.
Follow up after spending time together
A simple message can help a connection grow:
“Thank you for coffee! I loved hearing about your first year in the chapter. I’d love to hang out again.”
Follow-through communicates genuine interest without making the interaction feel like an interview or campaign.
Questions to Ask a Potential Big
You do not need to conduct a formal interview. Use these questions naturally as conversation develops:
What was your new member experience like?
What helped you feel connected to the chapter?
What do you wish you had known during your first semester?
How are you involved in the chapter or elsewhere on campus?
What does your relationship with your big look like?
What do you value in a big/little relationship?
How do you balance academics, friendships, and chapter commitments?
What is your favorite chapter memory?
How do you usually support a friend who is having a hard time?
What are you hoping for in a little sister?
Listen to her answers, but also notice whether she asks about you. A healthy connection should include curiosity and effort from both people.
How to Decide Who Could Be a Good Big Sister
When preference time arrives, try to look beyond popularity, social media, gifts, or who appears to have the most exciting social life.
Ask yourself:
Can I be myself around her?
Does she listen and make me feel included?
Is her communication style compatible with mine?
Does she follow through on plans?
Do our expectations for the relationship feel similar?
Can I ask her a question without feeling judged?
Does she model the kind of membership I respect?
Will she encourage me to build relationships throughout the chapter?
Do I feel calmer, more confident, and more connected after spending time with her?
The best big for you may not be the person everyone knows or wants. She may be the woman who remembers what you told her, checks in when you seem quiet, introduces you to others, and makes space for you to be yourself.
Talk About Expectations Before Matching
Many big/little disappointments come from unspoken expectations. One person may imagine daily texts and weekly plans, while the other expects a more occasional mentoring relationship. One may love gifts and traditions, while the other values time together much more.
You do not need to negotiate the entire future, but it is helpful to talk naturally about:
How often you each like to communicate
Whether you prefer texting, calling, or spending time in person
What support means to each of you
How busy your schedules are
What you hope the relationship will feel like after reveal
Compatibility does not require identical personalities. It does require realistic expectations and mutual effort.
Do Not Choose Based on Gifts or Reveal Potential
Big/Little reveals, baskets, themes, and family traditions can be fun—but they last for a moment. The relationship comes afterward. A potential big’s budget, crafting ability, social media style, or chapter family reputation does not tell you whether she will answer when you need advice, introduce you to other members, or continue investing in the relationship after reveal week. Choose the connection, not the content opportunity.
What If You Do Not Feel an Immediate Connection?
Not every new member finds her future big during the first event. You may be shy, overwhelmed, or still learning names. Older members may also be nervous or unsure how to initiate.
Give yourself permission to take one small step at a time:
Sit beside a different member at the next event.
Ask your new member educator to introduce you to someone with a shared interest.
Invite one person to coffee instead of waiting for a group invitation.
Attend an optional sisterhood or service activity.
Follow up with someone you enjoyed meeting briefly.
You are not behind. Connection often grows through repeated contact rather than one instant spark.
What If You Do Not Match With Your First Choice?
It is normal to feel disappointed if your match is not the person you ranked first. Allow yourself a private moment to process—but do not decide immediately that the relationship will not work. Matching involves many factors you may not see. Your assigned big may have chosen you highly, noticed something special in you, or be excited to build a relationship you have not yet had time to imagine. Give her a fair chance. Accept the invitation in the spirit in which it was offered. Spend time together after reveal and let the relationship develop outside the pressure of preferences. Many meaningful big/little relationships were not someone’s expected match on paper. If serious concerns arise, speak privately and respectfully with your new member educator rather than discussing the match in group chats or hurting someone publicly.
Your Big Is One Connection—Not Your Only Connection
Your big can be an important part of your sorority experience, but she should not be your entire experience. Continue building friendships with your new member class, other initiated members, chapter leaders, and women who share your major or interests. Join committees, attend events, ask someone new to lunch, and participate in campus life outside the chapter too. A strong big will want to help your world grow, not make your membership dependent on one relationship.
A Reminder for the Matching Process
You do not have to impress every potential big. You do not need the most popular match, the biggest reveal, or an instant best-friend story. You are looking for someone who sees you, supports you, and is willing to build a relationship with you over time. Be willing to initiate. Ask meaningful questions. Notice consistency and kindness. Stay open to more than one person. Most importantly, let the connection matter more than the appearance of the match. Your big/little relationship does not have to look like anyone else’s to be special.
The best relationships are not created by matching perfectly on paper. They are created afterward—in the check-ins, shared meals, honest conversations, encouragement, laughter, and ordinary moments when two people continue choosing to show up for each other.
Building Your Place in the Chapter
Sorority Prep helps women prepare not only for recruitment, but also for the transition into chapter life, new friendships, campus involvement, and confident connection.
Visit SororityPrep.com for more practical resources and support for every stage of the sorority experience. 💕